By Raleigh Hightower
Dove Gang (Duh-ve Gaye-ng) is a ruthless, no good, low down, scummy street gang who controls territory on the east side of Russellvile known as “Stonewall.” Dove Gang is usually identified by the mystical aura that clouds each of its four members. Dove Gang has appropriated a multitude of symbols that represent the instinctive flight pattern of doves. Dove Gang also holds jurisdiction over a smaller gang known as the “Squabs.” The Squabs are nowhere near as ruthless as Dove Gang, and they also have no established territorial control.
Dove Gang members tend to skilled in the arts of lurking, technology, laughing, clowning, ping pong (except Raleigh), and Krav Maga. One key factor distinguishing Dove Gang from other notorious groups is their closed entry. Dove Gang has only four members with no opportunities to join. Although Dove Gang is significantly outnumbered, all members of Dove Gang have received unbelievable amounts of training, rivaling members of the Spetznaz and Navy Seals, at the one day “Dove Gang Bootcamp” program. The Dove Gang bootcamp program is also a factor that contributes to the groups exclusivity. Dove Gang bootcamp is rumored to be so intense that only true Demigods can survive it.
LCHS has been given a once in a lifetime opportunity of interviewing all four members of Dove Gang. Before we discuss the contents of the interview, allow me to introduce you to the names and roles of the Dove Gang line up. Riley Ferguson, Ferg , is Dove Gang’s group leader and “Chad.” Ferg has been given the role of “Chad” because he has a girlfriend and you don’t. Ladies love Ferg and so does Dove Gang. Jaden Hayes and Raleigh Hightower are the multichannel transmission systems operators/stealth experts. Jaden and Raleigh can lead the group anywhere completely undetected. Dove Gang lore claims that Jaden and Raleigh were once able to sneak the group into Chernobyl No. 4 nuclear reactor. Upon entry in Chernobyl, the group was able to detonate the reactor, escape the plant, and give the Soviet Union a crippling blow. All of this was accomplished by the group without the luxury of Hazmat Suits, and all objectives were executed without detection of any type. Our final member is Thomas Bilyeu. Thomas Bilyeu, the kicker, once kicked a 25 yard field goal.
Now that you have been introduced to Dove Gang the following text will be a transcript of LCHS and Dove Gang’s interview:
Transcript:
Interviewer: Does Dove Gang have some form of a lair?
Thomas: What do you mean a lair?
Thomas: Oh that type of lair, yes we do have a lair.
Interviewer: Alright, where is it?
Thomas: That’s classified information.
Interviewer: Ight… Do you have a codename?
Thomas: Not yet. (“Not Yet” is Thomas’s actual codename)
Interviewer: How about you, do you have a codename?
Raleigh: Yes, lil dragon fox.
Interviewer: How about you two, what are your codenames?
Riley: Pumpernickel Skull Trooper.
Jaden: Suspected Squirrel.
Interviewer: What sort of gang activity have you participated in?
Thomas: We’ve donated $10,000 to the Australian bushfires.
Jaden: On Saturdays, we roam the country in search of Dovettes and territory to claim as our own.
Riley: On Shloddy doddy we are too busy vibin in the trap for gang activity. (In this context, “The Trap” refers to Riley’s home in an upper-middle class to upper class neighborhood “Stonewall.”)
Raleigh: Last week we watched the live action “Curious George” film.
Interviewer: Thomas how does it feel to be the kicker for Dove Gang?
Thomas: I mean honestly, I’ve never been prouder of anything in my entire life.
Interviewer: Raleigh and Jaden, how does it feel to be stealth experts?
Raleigh and Jaden (in unison): It feels somewhat magical in a strange, detached, abstract sense.
Interviewer: Riley how does it feel being leader and chad of Dove Gang?
Riley: It feels great knowing I always have my fellow doves following close behind. It’s really comforting actually. It is a bond that will never be broken. #DoveGang4L #DRACOABIGSLATT
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